I wrote a song named Circle before I left. In the beginning I couldn't get past the first two lines because I kept crying. It took too long to be able to contain myself. I'm listening to it right now and due to my unnaturally poor memory it's the best link I have with my past life that I've just stepped away from.
I think the way for me to unpuzzle the knot in my head is to unravel the parts one by one. This is part of doing that. I miss my friends so much- that I don't think about it. If I did I couldn't get anything done. Knowing I'll get to come back for a few days in a few weeks (haha) lets me justify not thinking about it.
There were a lot of loose ends that never got taken care of, many people I didn't get to say goodbye to that I know I won't ever see again. Things like that are like poison to me if I dwell on them too long. They're still up there in my memory though and I know eventually I'll have to feel like complete trash. I think the main thing that I wish I had done better- is explaining to my friends how much they mean to me and how badly I want to be involved in whatever they're doing. I don't know how to tell them that I love them in person. I don't know how to say to them that I think about them all the time, and that being so far away hurts so bad. I don't think my friends will read this either. I post this publicly in hopes that they might possibly read it. I feel that if someone reads it- it was meant to happen that way and if someone doesn't- then that's good too.
Basically I put as much as I could into Circle and I'm slaving over it and we shall see if I can get the courage to release it. I'm so tired. All the time.
It will get to the point that I miss home even more. Right now I also miss knowing where to go and what to do. I feel small.
BUT, knowing who I know, and feeling like I can tell them I love them is enough to make me feel big enough to lift the sheets and begin another day.
Goodness, welcome to a very dramatic, neurotic, and self depressing letter to the open.
I have a belief that someday everyone will know how everyone else feels. That will be so nice.
Of course my battery percentage is 69 right now.
Ive spend 3/4 of the time of writing this just sitting and thinking about my closest friends and I really really hope you know who you are.
Jacob is awesome. I frequently envy him.
Sigur Ros and a lot of other music rules.
I didn't realize what clothes I would need till a couple days ago.
It is hot in the summer.
Power bars aren't good to eat before bed.
Paintballs feel like nails when they hit you.
Sometimes a week can feel like a month.
I forget why I'm alive sometimes. It's nice to know why I am, again. and again.
no proofreading, just push publish post.
goodnight
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